WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shop with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22 My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favourite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '
This is amazing......
Two German Brothers Have Put This TRAIN SET Together.
BE SURE to click on the link at the end and view this in motion.
This is the world's biggest train set.
Covers 1,150 square meters / 12,380 square feet
Features almost six miles of track and is still not complete
Twin brothers Frederick and Gerrit Braun, 41,
began work on the 'Miniature Wunderland' in 2000.
The set covers six regions including America , Switzerland ,Scandinavia , Germany , and the Austrian Alps.
The American section features giant models of theRocky Mountains, Everglades , Grand-Canyon etc
...and Mount Rushmore .
The Swiss section has a mini-Matterhorn.
The Scandinavian part has a 4ft longpassenger ship floating in a 'fjord' .
It is expected to be finished in 2014, when the train set wouldcover more than 1,800 square meters / (19,376 sq ft) andfeature almost 13 miles of track, by which time detailed models of parts of France, Italy and the UK would have been added
It comprises 700 trains with more than 10,000 carriages and wagons.
The longest train is 46ft long.
The scenery includes 900 signals, 2,800 buildings, 4,000 cars - many with illuminated headlights. ..
....and 160,000 individually designed figures.
Thousands of kilograms of steel and wood was used to construct the scenery...
The 250,000 lights are rigged up to a system that mimics night and day by automatically turning them on and off.
The whole system is controlled from a massive high-tech nerve centre.
In total the set has taken 500,000 hours and more than 8 million euro to put together,
the vast majority of which has come from ticket sales.
Gerrit said: "Our idea was to build a world that men, women, and children can be equally astonished and amazed in."
Frederik added: "Whether gambling in Las Vegas , hiking in the Alps or paddling in Norwegian fjords - in Wunderland everything is possible. "This 4-minute video is worth watching for this amazing stuff.
Now....click below to see it all in action!!!
http://www.miniatur-wunderland.com/exhibit/video/4-minutes-wunderland/ <http://www.miniatur-wunderland.com/exhibit/video/4-minutes-wunderland/>
WORLD WAR II
|
|
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laugh ed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to" A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing.. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said; "Son, have you ever kissed a mule 's arse ? The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but.... ................................................... I've always wanted to" There are a few lessons for all of us here: *Don't be arrogant. *Don't waste ammunition. *Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. *Always make sure you know who is in control... *And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid.... |
|
Clinging
on for
dear
life to
the side
of a
vertical
cliff,
the tiny
lion cub
cries
out
pitifully
for
help.
His
mother
arrives
at the
edge of
the
precipice
with
three
other
lionesses
and a
male.
The
females
start to
clamber
down
together
but turn
back
daunted
by the
sheer
drop.
Eventually
one
single
factor
determines
which of
them
will
risk her
life to
save the
youngster
–
motherly
love.
 The drama begins: The mother arrives at the edge of the cliff as her son cries out for rescue after being trapped when he slipped.  On the brink: Four lionesses look over the edge before aborting their rescue mission because of the sheer drop.
Slowly,
agonizingly,
the big
cat
edges
her way
down
towards
her
terrified
son,
using
her
powerful
claws to
grip the
crumbling
cliff
side.
One slip
from her
and both
animals
could
end up
dead at
the
bottom
of the
ravine.
 Just as the exhausted cub seems about to fall, his mother circles beneath him and he is snatched up in her jaws.
She then
begins
the
equally
perilous
journey
back to
the top.
Minutes
later,
they
arrive
and she
gives
the
frightened
creature
a
consoling
lick on
the
head.
T
he
dramatic
rescue,
captured
by
wildlife
photographer
Jean-Francois
Largot,
was
played
out in
Kenya ’s
Masai
Mara
game
reserve.
Despite
the
presence
of
wardens
to deter
poachers,
day-to-day
life for
the
lions is
not
without
its
dangers
… as the
cub
learned
the hard
way.
Rescue
mission:
The
mother
inches
her way
down the
cliff
face to
rescue
the
terrified
cub
before
locking
him in
her jaws
and
making
her way
back up
the
cliff
face.
 Motherly love: The mother gives her son a lick to say that all is well in the pride following the drama. |
    �        < /SPAN>         < FONT face=Verdana color=#333333 size=1>       |
The world's
highest chained carousel, located in Vienna, the height of 117 meters.
Thor's Well - "the
gates of the dungeon." CapePerpetua, Oregon. At
moderate tide and strong surf, flowing water creates a fantastic landscape
Emerald Lake in the crater of an extinct volcano. Tongariro National Park -
NewZealand
Restaurant on a cliff on the east coast of Zanzibar.
Depending on the tide the restaurant can be reached both on foot and by boat.
Office of Selgas Cano
in Madrid
Desert with Phacelia
(Scorpion Weed). Flowering
once in several years.
Balloons in Cappadocia.
Dubai. The view from the skyscraper BurjKhalifa. The height of buildings is 828
m (163 floors).
And this is the view down
These trees grow in the forest near Gryfino,
Poland. The cause of the curvature is unknown
The border between Belgium and the Netherlands in a cafe
Twice a year in the Gulf of Mexico rays migrate. About 10 thousand stingrays
swim from the Yucatan Peninsula to Florida in the spring and back in the fall.
In the resort town of Skagen you can watch an amazing natural phenomenon. This
city is the northernmost point of Denmark, where the
Baltic and North Seas meet. The two
opposing tides in this
place can not merge because they have different densities.
In the Chinese province of Shandong is a bridge across the Gulf of Jiaozhou.
The bridge length over 36 km is calculated for eight car lanes, and is the
longest sea bridge in the world.
Day and night. The monument in Kaunas, Lithuania
An unusual tunnel in
California's Sequoia National Park
This statue, created
by Bruno Catalano, is located
in France
Family photo
The longest traffic jam in the world recorded in China. Its length is 260
kilometers
Paris computer games store. In fact, the floor is absolutely flat.
Marcus Levine - slaughtering an artist in the literal sense. He creates his
paintings by nailing a white wooden panel. At his latest
series of paintings exhibited in a gallery in London,
Marcus has spent more
than 50 000 pieces of iron.
In the city of Buford (USA) lives just one person. He works as a janitor and as
a mayor.
Autumn camouflage
Haus Rizzi - Germany.
Lena Pillars. Russia, the Lena River.
Banpo Bridge in Seoul, South Korea
Favelas of Brazil. The boundary between wealth and poverty.
Lost paradise in the Indian Ocean. Isle of Lamu.
Balcony of floor 103 in Chicago.
From the outside it looks like
View of the sunset from inside the wave.
This is a unique geological phenomenon known as Danxia landform. These phenomena
can be observed in several places in China. This example is located in Zhangye,
Province of Gansu. The
color is the result
of an accumulation for
millions of years of red sandstone and other rocks.
üÔÏ d
In northwestern Montana, USA. The water is so transparent that it seems that this is
a quite shallow lake. In fact, it’s very deep.
Airport in the Maldives is located on an artificial island in the middle of the
Indian Ocean
Lighthouse guard in Mare, France must be one of the most courageous people on
the planet!
Not everyone will have a smoke in such weather, and in such a place!
Photo of storm in Montana, USA, 2010
Skyscraper-Crescent Crescent Moon Tower (Dubai)
Heavy fog in Sydney,
which enveloped the whole city
The river above the river: Magdeburg Water Bridge,
Germany.
Morning Glory - kind of clouds observed in the Gulf of Carpentaria in northern
Australia
Gibraltar Airport is one of the most extraordinary airports around the world .......
RON
|
The Bridge
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,
'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy. God replied: 'Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?" |
|
NOW THIS IS TALENT
|
|
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.' |
|
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.' The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.' |
|
Paddy was in New York ..
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?' |
|
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!' 'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?' |
|
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?' 'Just water,' says the priest. The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?' The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!' |
|
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?' 'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.' 'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?' She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.' |
|
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?' 'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. |
|
|
|
A six year old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room ......
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because my mother said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land! |
|
|
GOODBYE MOM
A young man shopping in a
supermarket noticed a little
old lady
following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned
to him and said,
"I hope
I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's
just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye,
Mom'
as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on
her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye,
Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into
someone's day,
he went
to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be
paying for her things, too."
Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!
|
|
Look carefully at the B-17 and note how shot up it
is - one engine dead, tail, horizontal stabilizer
and nose shot up... It was ready to fall out of the
sky. (This is a painting done by an artist from the
description of both pilots many years later.) Then
realize that there is a German ME-109 fighter flying
next to it. Now read the story below. I think you'll
be surprised ....
Charlie Brown was a B-17 Flying Fortress pilot with
the 379th Bomber Group at Kimbolton, England . His
B-17 was called 'Ye Old Pub' and was in a terrible
state, having been hit by flak and fighters. The
compass was damaged and they were flying deeper over
enemy territory instead of heading home to Kimbolton.
After flying the
B-17 over an enemy airfield, a German pilot named
Franz Stigler was ordered to take off and shoot down
the B-17. When he got near the B-17, he could not
believe his eyes. In his words, he 'had never seen a
plane in such a bad state'. The tail and rear
section was severely damaged, and the tail gunner
wounded. The top gunner was all over the top of the
fuselage. The nose was smashed and there were holes
everywhere.
Despite having
ammunition, Franz flew to the side of the B-17 and
looked at Charlie Brown, the pilot. Brown was scared
and struggling to control his damaged and
blood-stained plane.
BF-109 pilot Franz Stigler B-17
pilot Charlie Brown
Aware that they had no idea where they were going,
Franz waved at Charlie to turn 180 degrees. Franz
escorted and guided the stricken plane to, and
slightly over, the North Sea towards England . He
then saluted Charlie Brown and turned away, back to
Europe . When Franz landed he told the CO that the
plane had been shot down over the sea, and never
told the truth to anybody. Charlie Brown and the
remains of his crew told all at their briefing, but
were ordered never to talk about it.
More than 40
years later, Charlie Brown wanted to find the
Luftwaffe pilot who saved the crew. After years of
research, Franz was found. He had never talked about
the incident, not even at post-war reunions.
They met in the
USA at a 379th Bomber Group reunion, together with
25 people who are alive now - all because Franz
never fired his guns that day.
(L-R) German Ace Franz Stigler, artist Ernie Boyett,
and B-17 pilot Charlie Brown.
When asked why he
didn't shoot them down, Stigler later said, “I
didn't have the heart to finish those brave men. I
flew beside them for a long time. They were trying
desperately to get home and I was going to let them
do that. I could not have shot at them. It would
have been the same as shooting at a man in a
parachute.”
Both men died in 2008
A married couple in their
early 60s were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet romantic
little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For
being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for
all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II
appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is
to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies
are female.....
The Barn
The doors were welded shut, but an angle grinder took care of
that.
Fiat Cabriolet (1200 or 1500), Ford Cortina MKII, Mercedes Benz
180/190.
Aston Martin
Opel GT, Lotus Elan FHC, Lotus Super Seven Series IV, Lotus Elan
DHC.
Porsche 356, Austin Healey Sprite MkII, Volvo
PV 544, Ford Y
Giulietta Sprint, Giulia Sprint Speciale
(SS), Nash Metropolitan.
Alfa Giulietta, Lotus Europa, another Lotus
Elan FHC, Matra Djet
Lancia Flaminia Coup.
Abarth 1300 Scorpione.
American (inspired) design.
Interior of Alfa Romeo.
Lancia Flaminia Coup, Peugeot 504 cabriolet &
404 cabriolet.
Mini, Alfa 1900 Super Sprint, Balilla.
Fiat Topolino II, Triumph TR4, Peugeot 202.
BMW V8, Formula racers, Chryslers, Mercedes,
Austin A30.
BMW V8, Formula racers, Chryslers, Mercedes,
Austin A30.
VALUED AT $35 MILLION DOLLARS.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY THE MAN AND
HIS WIFE HAD FULL CLAIM
TO THE LOT!
THEY HAD A GREAT RETIREMENT!!!
|
When Insults Had Class
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
|
|
A guy writes to a men's magazine for advice.
"I really need your advice, I've got a serious problem!
I suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the garage behind the motorbike. When she came home, as she got out of some guy's car, she was buttoning her blouse and she took her panties out of her bag and slipped them back on. It was at that moment, crouched down behind the motorbike, I noticed it..... A hairline crack in the engine mounting bracket..Is that something I can weld or do I need to Replace it.....?" |
A man decides he needs a drink in a bar on his way home from work. The place is dimly lit and seedy, but he takes a seat at the bar and orders a beer.
“You wanna hear a blonde joke?” he calls to the barman.
He becomes aware of someone approaching from along the bar. She is a striking blonde woman close on 6 feet tall.
“I’m a blonde,” she says. “I’m 5’11” and an Olympic kick-boxing champion.”
She moves aside slightly so he can see the blonde’s companion.
“She’s also a blonde,” the woman continues. “She’s about an inch taller than me and she’s a world record holder in weight lifting. Our friend…” the second woman allows a view of a third woman “is also blonde and 6 feet and is a championship boxer.
“Now do you still want to tell a blonde joke?”
The guy looks at all three.
“Not if I’ve got to explain it three times.”
Tom retired in his early 50's and started a second career. However,
even though he loved his new job, he just couldn't seem to get to work on
time. Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. Finally, one day, his boss
called him into the office for a talk.
"Tom, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic, you do a bang-up
job, but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as
well as your fellow workers."
Tom replied, "Yes, sir, I know. I'm sorry, but I am working on it."
"That's what I like to hear," his boss said. "However, the fact that
you consistently come to work late does puzzle me because I understand that
you retired from the United States Marine Corps, and they have some pretty
rigid rules about tardiness. Isn't that correct?"
"Yes. I did retire from the Marine Corps, and I'm mighty proud of it!"
said Tom.
"Well, what did they say when you came in late?" asked his boss.
"They said, 'Good morning, General'."
Hard to believe that these are drawn on a FLAT sidewalk surface!
One
afternoon a member of Congress was riding in his limousine when he
saw two men along the road side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate..
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have
to eat grass."
"Well, then you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,” the
congressman said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the congressman replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have
a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the congressman answered.
They entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the congressman and
said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with
you."
The congressman replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my
place. The grass is almost a foot high ''
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!" |
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the
groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the
start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and
throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
|
A guy takes his seat on an airliner for a long haul flight. He finds that he is sitting next to a little girl who is travelling alone. He says to her, "I know you're not supposed to talk to strangers but this is a long flight and time will pass quicker if we hold a conversation." She thinks for a moment and then replies, "Okay, mister, but what do we talk about?""Why, anything," he says, "How about nuclear physics? That's interesting.""Okay, mister, but first I want to know about grass.""What about grass?""Rabbits eat it, cows eat it and horses eat it. It's the same grass going in but when it comes out of the rabbit it's in little pellets, while cows plop it out in soft patties, and horses turn it into lumps of processed grass, why is that?"The man replies, "That's a very good question and I'm afraid I have no idea why that is."She looks at him with concern and says, "Do you really want to discuss nuclear physics with me, because you don't know shit!" |
|
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good dinner and a bottle or two of wine they retire for the
night and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges
his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what
you see."
"I see millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute, then says, "Well, astronomically, it
tells me that there are hundreds of thousands of galaxies and
potentially millions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that
Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I think it
will be a nice day today. Theologically, I can see that God is all
powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of His great
universe. What does it tell you Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you blithering idiot!
Someone has stolen our tent!"
|
Apple have just announced a new version of the I-Pod. This microchip device can hold 200 hours of music and is implanted under the skin of a woman's breast. The "I-Tit" will retail at $499. Women's groups are enthusiastic about the new device because for years women have complained that men only ever look at their breasts and never listen to them.
|
A Blonde takes her seat on the plane for a long air journey. She’s tired and looking forward to getting some sleep on the trip. She has a window seat and is just adjusting her little airline pillow when a smartly dressed businessman sits down next to her. He announces that he finds air travel to be very boring, but not to worry as he has a super game to pass the time. It’s a quiz. The rules are, he asks her a question and, if she cannot answer it, she has to give him $5, then she gets to ask him a question and, if he cannot answer it, he has to give her $250, however, he may use his laptop computer and can phone a friend.
“Okay,” sighs the Blonde, "Just one go and then I’m going to get some sleep." So the guy asks her, “Who is the Foreign Minister of Bolivia?” She doesn't know, so she hands him five bucks. It’s her turn now, so she asks, “What goes up a hill with three legs, but comes down with four?” With that she turns back to her pillow and goes to sleep.
Well the guy hasn’t got a clue. He is completely stumped. He uses his laptop to search the Net, no joy. He uses the air-phone to call his pals, no one knows the answer. After two hours he gives in. He nudges the Blonde awake and hands her the two fifty. She says, “Thanks,” and puts the cash into her purse before going back to sleep. But the guy wants to know |
