A man decides he needs a drink in a bar on his way home from work. The place is dimly lit and seedy, but he takes a seat at the bar and orders a beer.
“You wanna hear a blonde joke?” he calls to the barman.
He becomes aware of someone approaching from along the bar. She is a striking blonde woman close on 6 feet tall.
“I’m a blonde,” she says. “I’m 5’11” and an Olympic kick-boxing champion.”
She moves aside slightly so he can see the blonde’s companion.
“She’s also a blonde,” the woman continues. “She’s about an inch taller than me and she’s a world record holder in weight lifting. Our friend…” the second woman allows a view of a third woman “is also blonde and 6 feet and is a championship boxer.
“Now do you still want to tell a blonde joke?”
The guy looks at all three.
“Not if I’ve got to explain it three times.”
Tom retired in his early 50's and started a second career. However,
even though he loved his new job, he just couldn't seem to get to work on
time. Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. Finally, one day, his boss
called him into the office for a talk.
"Tom, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic, you do a bang-up
job, but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as
well as your fellow workers."
Tom replied, "Yes, sir, I know. I'm sorry, but I am working on it."
"That's what I like to hear," his boss said. "However, the fact that
you consistently come to work late does puzzle me because I understand that
you retired from the United States Marine Corps, and they have some pretty
rigid rules about tardiness. Isn't that correct?"
"Yes. I did retire from the Marine Corps, and I'm mighty proud of it!"
said Tom.
"Well, what did they say when you came in late?" asked his boss.
"They said, 'Good morning, General'."
Hard to believe that these are drawn on a FLAT sidewalk surface!
One
afternoon a member of Congress was riding in his limousine when he
saw two men along the road side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate..
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have
to eat grass."
"Well, then you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,” the
congressman said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the congressman replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have
a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the congressman answered.
They entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the congressman and
said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with
you."
The congressman replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my
place. The grass is almost a foot high ''
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!" |
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the
groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the
start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and
throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
|
A guy takes his seat on an airliner for a long haul flight. He finds that he is sitting next to a little girl who is travelling alone. He says to her, "I know you're not supposed to talk to strangers but this is a long flight and time will pass quicker if we hold a conversation." She thinks for a moment and then replies, "Okay, mister, but what do we talk about?""Why, anything," he says, "How about nuclear physics? That's interesting.""Okay, mister, but first I want to know about grass.""What about grass?""Rabbits eat it, cows eat it and horses eat it. It's the same grass going in but when it comes out of the rabbit it's in little pellets, while cows plop it out in soft patties, and horses turn it into lumps of processed grass, why is that?"The man replies, "That's a very good question and I'm afraid I have no idea why that is."She looks at him with concern and says, "Do you really want to discuss nuclear physics with me, because you don't know shit!" |
|
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good dinner and a bottle or two of wine they retire for the
night and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges
his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what
you see."
"I see millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute, then says, "Well, astronomically, it
tells me that there are hundreds of thousands of galaxies and
potentially millions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that
Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I think it
will be a nice day today. Theologically, I can see that God is all
powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of His great
universe. What does it tell you Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you blithering idiot!
Someone has stolen our tent!"
|
Apple have just announced a new version of the I-Pod. This microchip device can hold 200 hours of music and is implanted under the skin of a woman's breast. The "I-Tit" will retail at $499. Women's groups are enthusiastic about the new device because for years women have complained that men only ever look at their breasts and never listen to them.
|
A Blonde takes her seat on the plane for a long air journey. She’s tired and looking forward to getting some sleep on the trip. She has a window seat and is just adjusting her little airline pillow when a smartly dressed businessman sits down next to her. He announces that he finds air travel to be very boring, but not to worry as he has a super game to pass the time. It’s a quiz. The rules are, he asks her a question and, if she cannot answer it, she has to give him $5, then she gets to ask him a question and, if he cannot answer it, he has to give her $250, however, he may use his laptop computer and can phone a friend.
“Okay,” sighs the Blonde, "Just one go and then I’m going to get some sleep." So the guy asks her, “Who is the Foreign Minister of Bolivia?” She doesn't know, so she hands him five bucks. It’s her turn now, so she asks, “What goes up a hill with three legs, but comes down with four?” With that she turns back to her pillow and goes to sleep.
Well the guy hasn’t got a clue. He is completely stumped. He uses his laptop to search the Net, no joy. He uses the air-phone to call his pals, no one knows the answer. After two hours he gives in. He nudges the Blonde awake and hands her the two fifty. She says, “Thanks,” and puts the cash into her purse before going back to sleep. But the guy wants to know the answer, so he shakes her awake and says, “Just what the Hell does go up a hill with three legs, but comes down with four?” The Blonde looks at him, shrugs her shoulders, opens her purse and hands him a five dollar bill. |
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women
shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the gator."
Some old men can still think pretty fast.
|
A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat.
As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding
the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A
wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the
seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,
"So where are you flying to today?"
She turns and smiles, and says, "To the
annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago."
He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED
with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting
RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your
role at this convention?"
She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks
onto his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths
about sexuality."
"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what
myths are those?"
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that
African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the
Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another
popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is
men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."
"Very interesting," the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed,
and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this
with you, and I don't even know your name."
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto...
Tonto Goldstein."
|
THE
HUSBAND STORE
>
> A store that sells new husbands has just opened in Boston , where a woman
may
> go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
> description of how the store operates:
>
> You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the
> product increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose
any
> item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but
you
> cannot go back down except to exit the building!
>
> So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
> the sign on the door reads:
>
> Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
>
> The second floor sign reads:
>
> Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
>
> The third floor sign reads:
>
> Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
>
> "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
>
> She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
>
> Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help
> with Housework.
>
> "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
>
> Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
>
> Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
> Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Personality.
>
> She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign
> reads:
>
> Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this Floor. There are no men on this
> floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.
> Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
>
> To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a NEW WIVES
STORE
> just across the street.
>
> The first floor has wives that love sex.
>
> The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
>
> The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
A good
looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood & said "I want to be a
movie star".
Tall, handsome & with experience on Broadway he had the credentials.
"What’s your name?" asked the agent
The guy said "my name is Penis van Lesbian"
The agent said "Sir I hate to tell you but in order to get into Hollywood you
will have to change your name"
"absolutely not, the van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect
my grandfather" says the man
"sir I have worked in Hollywood for years, you will not go far with a name
like that"
"so be it , we will not do business together" and stormed out of the office.
Five years later the agent receives a cheque for $50,000.
A letter with it read:-
Five years ago I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name and I refused. After I left
your office I thought about what you said and decided you were right. I
changed my name and have had massive success in Hollywood. I would never have
made it without your advice; so this is a token of my appreciation.
Sincerely yours
Dick Van Dyke
|
A guy leaves the airport terminal and gets into a taxi.
"47 East Hudson Street, please," he says.
The taxi driver turns and says, "Of course Sir, but I have to tell you
that this is my first day driving taxis and I'm not too sure of the way,
do you mind helping me?"
"No problem, " says the passenger.
The taxi driver sets off in the right direction and as they come up to a
junction the passenger leans forward and taps the driver on the
shoulder. The driver jumps up in his seat and screams as if the very
Devil were after him. Quickly regaining composure he says, "Should I
turn here?"
"Yes," replies the shaken passenger, "Turn right."
The driver does so, but at the next junction, when he taps the driver's
shoulder, once again there is a blood curdling scream, before he can
say, "Left here."
This happens at every junction until the passenger finally asks, "Why do
you scream every time that I tap your shoulder?"
"Well Sir," he explained, "I told you this was my first day in the job;
for the last thirty years I've been driving a hearse!"
|
A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything
Under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do
You have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll
Come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store
Was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many customers bought
Something from you today?
The kid says "One".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium
Fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing
Rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,
So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat
Department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't
Think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
Department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT
And a TRUCK? Is that right?"
The kid answered, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and
I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go fishing.'
|
A guy lands in Boston, gets in a
cab, and realizing it's a great seafood town, asks the cabbie, "Know where
a fellah can get scrod around here?"
The cabbie says, "Yeah, but I never heard anyone ask in the pluperfect subjunctive before..." |
|
TO ALL MEN
There is a new scam aimed at the male motorist that you need to be aware
of.
You may be sat in the car park at Wal-Mart and be approached by two nubile
young ladies, wearing short skirts and skimpy tee-shirts. They will offer
to wash for windshield for free, if you don't mind them using their
tee-shirts. All they will ask in return is a ride into town. They will
both sit in the back and once the vehicle is moving they will strip off
their clothes and start to play with each other. Then one of them will
slip over into the front passenger seat and play with you. While she is
doing this the other one will steal you cash!
This is not SPAM, this is a genuine alert, I know because they did it to
me last Thursday, Friday, twice Saturday, Monday and today!
|
WHEN YOU ARE IN DEEP SHIT, LOOK
STRAIGHT AHEAD, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT & SAY NOTHING!!!
|
An atheist is out for a walk in the woods when he is attacked by a bear!
The bear runs him down and grabs him with his left paw while raising his
right paw for the death blow. The atheist screams out "Oh please God help
me!"
There is a flash of lightning and a mighty clap of thunder and all is
suddenly still, the bear is frozen in his attack. The voice of God booms
out into the silence, "Why should I save an atheist?"
The atheist replies, "Well I guess I would be pushing my luck if I were to
say that, if you save me, I'll become a Christian."
"You sure would be", said God, "I think I'll have to let the bear eat you,
you have left it far too late to sign on now."
"See you point", say the atheist, "but how about you make the bear a
Christian?"
"That's a good idea!" says God. There is another flash of lightning and
another mighty clap of thunder and things start to move again. The bear
grabs the atheist and says, "Lord for what we are about to receive, make
us truly thankful."
|
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back before midnight.
Your loving husband
When he came home he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that! We are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.
Your loving wife
|
A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote
desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking
camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant
leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant
replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural
sexual urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel ready for them.” The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!” The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked. |
A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Irishman returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical
Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you....... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Irish father takes a slow swig from his Guinness, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
The
neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years.
On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him
something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some
left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal.
This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his
route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold
watch!
He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was
putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house
stood there in beautiful black bra, panties, stockings and high heels. She
invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and
was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of
his life.
The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed.
He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it.
She explained, "When I called my husband to ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'Screw him; give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea."
|
Have
you ever been this tired?
|
A bloke walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He
puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make
you all a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my pecker inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and
I'll remove my pecker unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each
of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his pecker in the
crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a
minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the crocodile hard on the top
of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his unit - unscathed
as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again. "I'll make you another offer. I'll pay $100 to anyone
who's willing to give this a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a
hand went up in the back of the bar. A timid young man spoke up. "I'll try, but
only if you promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back
and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there
was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his
word he made contact.
"Mary... Mary.... "
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I
bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all
afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again."
"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
A Frightening
Analysis
We all know Dick Lamm as the former Governor of Colorado. In that context his
thoughts are particularly poignant. Last week there was an
immigration-overpopulation conference in Washington, DC, filled to capacity by
many of American's finest minds and leaders. A brilliant college professor named
Victor Hansen Davis talked about his latest book, "Mexifornia," explaining how
immigration — both legal and illegal — was destroying the entire state of
California. He said it would march across the country until it destroyed all
vestiges of The American Dream.
Moments later, former Colorado Governor Richard D. Lamm stood up and gave a
stunning speech on how to destroy America. The audience sat spellbound as he
described eight methods for the destruction of the United States. He said, "If
you believe that America is too smug, too self-satisfied, too rich, then let's
destroy America. It is not that hard to do. No nation in history has survived
the ravages of time. Arnold Toynbee observed that all great civilizations rise
and fall and that 'An autopsy of history would show that all great nations
commit suicide.'"
"Here is how they do it," Lamm said: First to destroy America, "Turn America
into a bilingual or multi-lingual and bicultural country. History shows that no
nation can survive the tension, conflict, and antagonism of two or more
competing languages and cultures. It is a blessing for an individual to be
bilingual; however, it is a curse for a society to be bilingual. The historical
scholar Seymour Lipset put it this way: 'The histories of bilingual and
bi-cultural societies that do not assimilate are histories of turmoil, tension,
and tragedy. Canada, Belgium, Malaysia, Lebanon all face crises of national
existence in which minorities press for autonomy, if not independence. Pakistan
and Cyprus have divided. Nigeria suppressed an ethnic rebellion. France faces
difficulties with Basques, Bretons, and Corsicans."
Lamm went on: Second, to destroy America, "Invent 'multiculturalism' and
encourage immigrants to maintain their culture. I would make it an article of
belief that all cultures are equal. That there are no cultural differences. I
would make it an article of faith that the Black and Hispanic dropout rates are
due to prejudice and discrimination by the majority. Every other explanation is
out of bounds.
Third, "We could make the United States a 'Hispanic Quebec' without much effort.
The key is to celebrate diversity rather than unity. As Benjamin Schwarz said in
the Atlantic Monthly recently: 'The apparent success of our own multiethnic and
multicultural experiment might have been achieved! Not by tolerance but by
hegemony. Without the dominance that once dictated ethnocentrically and what it
meant to be an American, we are left with only tolerance and pluralism to hold
us together.'"
Lamm said, "I would encourage all immigrants to keep their own language and
culture. I would replace the melting pot metaphor with the salad bowl metaphor.
It is important to ensure that we have various cultural subgroups living in
America reinforcing their differences rather than as Americans, emphasizing
their similarities."
"Fourth, I would make our fastest growing demographic group the least educated.
I would add a second underclass, unassimilated, undereducated, and antagonistic
to our population. I would have this second underclass have a 50% dropout rate
from high school."
"My fifth point for destroying America would be to get big foundations and
business to give these efforts lots of money. I would invest in ethnic identity,
and I would establish the cult of 'Victimology.' I would get all minorities to
think their lack of success was the fault of the majority. I would start a
grievance industry blaming all minority failure on the majority population."
"My sixth plan for America's downfall would include dual citizenship and promote
divided loyalties. I would celebrate diversity over unity. I would stress
differences rather than similarities. Diverse people worldwide are mostly
engaged in hating each other - that is, when they are not killing each other. A
diverse, peaceful, or stable society is against most historical precedent.
People undervalue the unity! Unity is what it takes to keep a nation together.
Look at the ancient Greeks. The Greeks believed that they belonged to the same
race; they possessed a common language and literature; and they worshiped the
same gods. All Greece took part in the Olympic Games.
A common enemy Persia threatened their liberty. Yet all these bonds were not
strong enough to over come two factors: local patriotism and geographical
conditions that nurtured political divisions. Greece fell.
"E. Pluribus Unum" — From many, one. In that historical reality, if we put the
emphasis on the 'pluribus' instead of the 'Unum,' we can balkanize America as
surely as Kosovo."
"Next to last, I would place all subjects off limits ~ make it taboo to talk
about anything against the cult of 'diversity.' I would find a word similar to
'heretic' in the
"Having made America a bilingual/bicultural country, having established multi-culturism,
having the large foundations fund the doctrine of 'Victimology,' I would next
make it impossible to enforce our immigration laws. I would develop a mantra:
That because immigration has been good for America, it must always be good. I
would make every individual immigrant symmetric and ignore the cumulative impact
of millions of them."
In the last minute of his speech, Governor Lamm wiped his brow. Profound silence
followed. Finally he said, "Lastly, I would censor Victor Hanson Davis's book
Mexifornia. His book is dangerous. It exposes the plan to destroy America. If
you feel America deserves to be destroyed, don't read that book."
There was no applause.
A chilling fear quietly rose like an ominous cloud above every attendee at the
conference. Every American in that room knew that everything Lamm enumerated was
proceeding methodically, quietly, darkly, yet pervasively across the United
States today. Every discussion is being suppressed. Over
Governor Lamm walked back to his seat. It dawned on everyone at the conference
that our nation and the future of this great democracy are deeply in trouble and
worsening fast. If we don't get this immigration monster stopped within three
years, it will rage like a California wildfire and destroy everything in its
path, especially The American Dream.
I have a designated "thinking chair" in my office.
I don't sit in it when someone drops by to talk. I don't take power naps in it. I use it only for thinking.
This chair doesn't think for me, but it does speak to me every now and then. If I've gone a few days without sitting in it, its presence subtly reminds me that I'm not devoting enough time to the all-important task of thinking.
When we fail to make thinking a priority, we develop what author Gordon MacDonald calls "mental flabbiness." This may not sound like a life-threatening condition, but some ways, it can be quite dangerous. Here's how MacDonald explains it:
"In our pressurized society, people who are out of shape mentally usually fall victim to ideas and systems that are destructive to the human spirit and to the human relationship," he writes. "They are victimized because they have not taught themselves how to think, nor have they set themselves to the lifelong pursuit of growth of the mind. Not having the faculty of a strong mind, they grow dependent upon the thoughts and opinions of others. Rather than deal with ideas and issues, they reduce themselves to lives full of rules, regulations, and programs."
You can't be an effective leader with a mindset like that—it's just not possible.
Fortunately, there is an antidote to mental flabbiness: making time to think. I realize this can be a daunting assignment for people whose schedules are already bursting at the seams. And yet, when we don't make thinking a priority, we're actually sabotaging our own creativity and success.
Think about it. One of the highest commodities in a person's life is a great idea. A great idea has transforming power. It can take you places you may never have dreamed of going. But great ideas don't come out of nowhere. They begin as thoughts. So it stands to reason that the more time we spend thinking, the more great ideas we'll have.
The good news is that it doesn't take hours of thinking each day to generate ideas and stay in good mental shape. You can accomplish a great deal in a few moments of concentrated, intentional thought.
Let me give you two examples of how this works in my life. Every morning, I devote three minutes to what I call "big-picture thinking." I look at my schedule for the day and ask myself one simple question: What's the main event? Of all the things I'm going to do, of all the people I'm going to see, of all the experiences that I'm going to encounter, what's the main event?
You can't prioritize your day if you don't see everything in your day. That's why I practice big-picture thinking in the morning. I have to pick out my main event early, because whatever it is, that's where I had better be at my best. I'm human, and I don't always hit the ball out of the park. Sometimes I don't hit the ball at all. But at the main event, I had better hit a homerun. Big-picture thinking helps me achieve that goal.
At the end of the day, I spend another five to 10 minutes doing what I refer to as "reflective thinking." I go to my thinking chair and spend time reviewing my whole day. I ask myself questions such as, "Who did I see today? How did I add value to those people? What lessons did I learn?" Reflective thinking doesn't take long, but it's an incredibly valuable exercise because it turns experience into insight.
Can you imagine what would happen in your life if you practiced big-picture and reflective thinking? You would stop wasting time on things that don't really matter, which would give you more energy for the really important activities. You would be more organized and efficient. You would experience less stress. Most importantly, you would also take more away from each day that would enable you to lead better the next day.
The best way to start this process is to designate a specific place to think. It doesn't matter if your "thinking chair" is in your den at home or your office at work. It just has to be a spot where you can do nothing but think for a few moments twice a day.
The bottom line is this: If you find a place to think your thoughts, you'll have more thoughts. If you find a place to shape your thoughts, you will have better thoughts. And if you find a place to stretch your thoughts, you will have bigger thoughts.
All this, from just three minutes in the morning and five to ten minutes at night. As you can see, the results far outweigh the time investment.
|
THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILLI CONTEST If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there is no hope for you! *Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The third judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn’t be all that spicy and besides they told me I could have all the free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chilli #1 (Mike’s Manic Mobster Monster Chilli) Judge #1 – A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge #2 – Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge #3 – (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one, these Texans are crazy. Chilli # 2 (Arthur’s Afterburner Chilli) Judge #1 – Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge #2 – Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge #3 – (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3 (Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli) Judge #1 – Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge #2 – A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge #3 – (Frank) Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the routine by now. Get me some more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer. Chilli # 4 (Bubba’s Black Magic) Judge # 1 – Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 – Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli. Judge # 3 – I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac? Chilli # 5 (Linda’s Legal Lip Remover) Judge # 1 – Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 – Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Stuff those rednecks! Chilli # 6 (Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety) Judge # 1 – Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 – The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 – I shat myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chilli # 7 (Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chilli) Judge # 1 – A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 – Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge #3 – (Frank). You could place a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff which matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Sod it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach. Chilli # 8 (Tommy’s Toe-nail Curling Chilli) Judge # 1 – The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 –This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chilli? |
BARSTOOLS
|
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon
noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself
into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing
7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever
selected!
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run
my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
_____________________________________
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people
upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a utilities
and
entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed
by
its creator to run EVERYTHING! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0
and
to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the
program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to
Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in
your
Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings/Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that
you
keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing
the
background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great system, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife
1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,
Cook
It 1.5, and Pay Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these
programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program
Nag-Nag
10.0. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife
1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.0 and
Diamonds 5.0. WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
Secretary
With Short Skirt 3.3! This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and
will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
|
|
The following is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by
a 96-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published. To whom it may concern: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £40 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to the bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has recently become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status form, which I Require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history, must be countersigned by a Notary Public; and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which, he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from. Please press the buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact. 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of £40 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your Humble Customer |
|
Four brothers left home for
college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you." |
He took careful aim and fired, there was a great commotion in the undergrowth and he hurried to the spot to see what he had shot.
He was amazed to find no trace of the animal and was still searching when a paw tapped him on the shoulder, he turned to find a big male bear, wearing a nasty expression. He was amazed when the bear took his gun and snapped it in half.
He was even more amazed when the bear spoke “That was not a nice thing to do?” said the bear. Displaying a handful of very large sharp claws the bear said “I am going to have to kill you now, Unless!”
“Unless what?” the hunter said.
“Unless you step behind that bush remove your jeans and underwear, bend over and let me have my way with you” said the bear.
With no other option the hunter complied and following a very painful interlude walked - with difficulty - back to camp.
A few days later, armed with a bigger gun, he set out for the woods again.
Following a long hike through the trees he saw a bear in plain sight beside some bushes, took aim and shot it. The hunter ran to the place to see if it was the same bear. There was no bear to be seen. He was still searching the under growth when he felt a familiar tap on the shoulder.
It was the same bear, who took his gun and bent it into a circle. “What is it to be?” The bear asked. “Be torn to death or service me and, my four brothers?”
The hunter reached camp two days later, crawling on all fours. He took a week to heal and then, armed with the biggest gun he could find, the hunter set off determined to find revenge. Deep in the woods, once again, he saw a brown furry shape almost hidden by a tree. Taking careful aim he shot it.
When he reached the scene he saw there was no corpse. He stepped around the tree to check and found a long line of smiling bears.
At which time a familiar voice said: "You’re not really here for the hunting, are you?"
|
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One
summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't, and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a! towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied. She sells C cells down by the sea shore. |
The following item is by George Carlin.
The paradox of our time in history is that we
have taller buildings
but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but
enjoy less. We have
bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees but less sense, more
knowledge, but less
judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too
recklessly, laugh too
little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired,
read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced
our values. We talk
too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but
have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger
things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but
polluted the
soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less. We plan
more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold
more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less
and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow
digestion, big men and
small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the
days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier hou! ses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable
diapers, throwaway morality,
one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from
cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom
window and nothing in the stockroom.
A time when technology can bring this letter to
you, and a time when
you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones,
because they are not
going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up
to you in awe,
because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to
you, because that is
the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember,! to say, "I love you" to your
spouse and your loved ones, but
most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes
from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for
someday that person
will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak, and give
time to share the
precious thoughts in your mind.
Since the Pledge of Allegiance
public schools anymore
NEW
School
prayer.
Now
I sit me down in school
Where
praying is against the rule
For
this great nation under God
Finds
mention of Him very odd.
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
When chaos reigns
the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this
silent plea I make:
Should I be shot;
My soul please take!
Amen
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits
down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order. The man says,
"I'll have a beer." He turns to the ostrich and asks, "What's
yours?" "I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says,
"I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the
same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact
change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the
man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again, the man pulls
exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How
do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every
time?" the bartender asks.
"Well," says the man. "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my
hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would wish
for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
The morning after a night on the town in Minneapolis, Bob told
his friend about the Golden Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the
club was lined with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was
plated with gold, even the urinals were gold plated.
Bob was ready to believe his buddy until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so
he phoned the Golden Club. "Is it true that the glasses in your club have a
gold rim?" Bob asked.
"Yes, it's true" replied the voice on the other end.
"And is the rail on the bar plated with gold?" asked Bob.
"Yes it is" was the reply from the other end. "
"And, one more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?"
inquired Bob.
Bob could hear the person on the other end yell to the band "Hey Joe, I
think I found the guy that took a leak in your saxophone last night!"
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He
didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a
12 inch bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?"
"Yes, right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie, "I'm
a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie replies so he asks him for a million bucks.
The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for
his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million
ducks flying overhead in heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not
ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you
really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?!"
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go
along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice
resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel,
climbed up to the 10 Metre board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this
followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position, where he straightened out
and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd
learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly
out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides
of the canal...
HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK ALONE
> >
> >
> >
From F. Daniel Rochman MD
> >
> > If everyone who gets this sends it to 10
> > people, you can bet that we'll save at least one
> > life.
> >
> >
Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. and you're
> > driving home
> >
(alone of course), after an unusually
> > hard day on the job. You're really
> >
tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly
> > you start experiencing severe pain
> > in your
chest that starts to radiate out
> > into your arm and up into your jaw.
> >
You are only about five miles from the
> > hospital nearest your home;
> >
unfortunately you don't know if you'll
> > be able to make it that far.
> >
> >
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
> >
> >
You've been trained in CPR but the guy
> > that taught the course neglected
> >
to tell you how to perform it on
> > yourself. Since many people are alone
> > when they
suffer a heart attack, this
> > article seemed to be in order. Without
> >
help, the person whose heart stops
> > beating properly and who begins to
> >
feel faint, has only about 10 seconds!
> > left before losing consciousness.
> >
However, these victims can help
> > themselves by coughing repeatedly and
> > very vigorously.
> >
> >
A deep breath should be taken before
> > each cough, and the cough must be deep and
> > prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside
> > the chest, and a cough must be repeated about every
> > 2 seconds without let up until
> >
help arrives, or until the heart is felt
> > to be beating normally again.
> >
> >
> >
Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs
> > and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep
> > the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the
> > heart also helps it regain normal rhythm.
> >
> >
In this way, heart attack victims can
> > get to a hospital.
Mel
and Tino were both patients in an El Camino mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mel suddenly jumped into the
deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Tino promptly jumped
in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mel out.
When the medical director became aware of Tino's heroic act, he immediately
ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be
mentally stable.
When he went to tell Tino the news, he said, "Tino, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind.
The bad news is, Mel, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt
in the bathroom, right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's
dead."
Tino replied: "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How
soon can I go home?"
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut.
As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man replies.
"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"
The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"
"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."
"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that lousy haircut?'"
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof So he
looks in the
>yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He
>calls
>the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
>
>The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
>baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to
>do,"
>the homeowner asks?
>
>I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
>up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
>the
>bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not
>let
>go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage
>in
>the back of the van."
>
>He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
>
>"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
>
>"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog"
|
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels, and women with big tits". |
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After a terrible storm, a sailor, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the sailor.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog became jealous, growling fiercely until the sailor took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and during another storm, there was yet another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the sailor had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the sailor started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
| An
application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And a floppy disk was something Terribly wrong in your back. Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead! |
Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
4. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
5. An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.
6. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
7. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
8. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from hitting the snooze button so that you can roll over and go back to sleep.
9. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you will be afraid to cough.
l0. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the tooth.
|
The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: "There's a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don't worry about the expense." So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot: "Let's go, take off". As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him: "See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can". Incredulous, the pilot says: "You want me to fly over that fire?" "Sure, the reporter says, I am a photojournalist and that's why I am here--to take dramatic shots of the fire!" The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says: "You're not the flight instructor?" |
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| THE
25 RULES OF ORDER 1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue. 5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again. 6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. 7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling? 8. My reality check bounced. 9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. 11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience. 15. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt. 16. Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. 18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 23. Following the rules will not get the job done. 24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 25. Don't let yesterday take up too much of today. |
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| If
a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom! |
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DRUG PROBLEM
I had a drug problem when I was young.
I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions no matter what the weather.
I was drug to the bus stop to go to school every weekday.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults and teachers.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents.
Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's children had this kind of drug problem, AMERICA MIGHT BE A BETTER PLACE!
| Women's
English 1. YES = NO 2. NO = YES 3. MAYBE = NO 4. WE NEED = I WANT 5. I AM SORRY = YOU'LL BE SORRY 6. WE NEED TO TALK = I NEED TO COMPLAIN 7. SURE, GO AHEAD = I DON'T WANT YOU TO 8. DO WHAT YOU WANT = YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS LATER 9. I AM NOT UPSET = OF COURSE I'M UPSET YOU MORON! 10. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? = TOO LATE, YOU'RE DEAD 11. YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO COMMUNICATE = JUST AGREE WITH ME 12. YOU'RE SO MANLY = YOU NEED TO SHAVE AND YOU SWEAT ALOT 13. BE ROMANTIC, TURN OUT THE LIGHTS = I HAVE FLABBY THIGHS AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE THEM 14. DO YOU LOVE ME? = I AM GOING TO ASK FOR SOMETHING EXPENSIVE 15. IT'S YOUR DECISION = THE CORRECT DECISION SHOULD BE OBVIOUS BY NOW 16. YOU'RE CERTAINLY ATTENTIVE TONIGHT = IS SEX ALL YOU EVER THINK ABOUT 17. I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE = KICK OFF YOUR SHOES AND FIND A GOOD GAME ON TV 18. HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME? = I DID SOMETHING TODAY THAT YOU'RE REALLY NOT GOING TO LIKE Men's English 1. I AM HUNGRY = I AM HUNGRY 2. I AM SLEEPY = I AM SLEEPY 3. I AM TIRED = I AM TIRED 4. NICE DRESS = NICE CLEAVAGE 5. I LOVE YOU = LET'S HAVE SEX NOW 6. I AM BORED = DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX? 7. WHAT'S WRONG? = I GUESS SEX IS OUT OF THE QUESTION 8. MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE? = I'D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU 9. CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME? = I'D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU 10. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE? = I'D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU 11. CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER? = I'D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU 12. WILL YOU MARRY ME? = I WANT TO MAKE IT ILLEGAL FOR OTHER MEN TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU 13. YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE = I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU WITHIN THE NEXT 3 MINUTES 14. LET'S TALK = I AM TRYING TO IMPRESS YOU BY SHOWING THAT I AM A DEEP PERSON AND I'D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU 15.I DON'T THINK THOSE SHOES GO WITH THAT OUTFIT = I'M GAY _________________ |
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An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in
Sydney.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"But," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why
in
Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the Landlord there
goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks,
he'll buy the 5th one for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, The Red Lion, the
barman
there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ha, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin,
there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another...all the drinks you like. Then when you've had
enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All
of this is on the house."
The Englishman and the Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's
claims, but he swears that it's true. "Well," said the Englishman,
"Did
this actually happen to you?"
"No, not meself personally, no." said the Irishman, "But it did
happen
to my sister!"
The Test
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader
should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The
principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry was taking charge.
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before
he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and
bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement ?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
| A
man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse
me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." |
Puns
| Practice
safe eating - always use condiments. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. A plateau is a high form of flattery. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Every calendar's days are numbered. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) Sea captains don't like crew cuts. A backward poet writes inverse. Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Without geometry, life is pointless. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. |
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